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101 of the craziest, strangest, most ridiculous Bible absurdities

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In my last article I took a critical look at the teachings of Jesus, in this article I’ll extend that to the Bible itself.

As a reference guide I’ve used The Skeptics Annotated Bible which I highly recommend you check out.

In this article 101 of my favorite absurdities in the supposedly inerrant “word of God” the Bible…

101. God creates light before the sun and stars

God spends a day making light before making trillions of stars. “He made the stars also.”, and almost as an afterthought, he makes the trillions of stars. Genesis 1:14-19

100. God gets tired and rested

God got tired and rested. Even God gets tired sometimes.

“And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made” Genesis 2:2

99. Adam names every animal on earth

Adam names every animal on earth. God makes the animals and parades them before Adam to see if any would strike his fancy. But none seem to have what it takes to please him. (Although he was tempted to go for the sheep.) After making the animals, God has Adam name them all. The naming of several million species must have kept Adam busy for a while.

“and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof. And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field” Genesis 2:18-20 

98. Cain gets a wife from outta nowhere

Cain is worried after killing Abel and says, “Every one who finds me shall slay me.” This is a strange concern since there were only two other humans alive at the time — his parents! 4:14

“And Cain knew his wife.” Except the only woman on earth was Eve his mother. Genesis 4:17

97. Noah had three sons when he was 500 years old

When Noah was 500 years old, he had three sons. Genesis 5:32

96. God kills all living things because human imagination is evil

God decides to kill all living things because the human imagination is evil. Later (8:21), after he kills everything, he promises never to do it again because the human imagination is evil. Go figure. 6:5

95. God repents that he made man

“And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. And it repented the LORD that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart” Genesis 6:5

94. God kills everything to make the world less violent

God was angry because “the earth was filled with violence.” So he killed every living thing to make the world less violent. Genesis 6:11-13

93. 50, 000-millions of animals boarded Noah’s ark on the same day

All of the animals boarded the ark “in the selfsame day.” Genesis: 7:13-14

Noah, a 500 year old man told millions of animals onto the ark, or according to Christian apologists only 20, 000-50, 000

“However, this response requires creationists to believe that just 16,000 animals developed into billions of species in less than 4000 years” – RationalWiki

A good article on Noah’s ark

92. God enslaves the Jews (his chosen people) for 400 years

Why would God enslave the jews (his chosen people) for 400 years? Genesis 15:13

91. The Sodomites want to have sex with angels

The two angels that visit Lot wash their feet, eat, and are sexually irresistible to Sodomites. Genesis 19:1-5

90. Lot offers his virgin daughters to the mob to do what you like with them (instead of having sex with the angels)

Lot offers his two virgin daughters to the perverted mob, so they won’t rape the angels.

“Look, I have two daughters who have never slept with a man. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do what you like with them” Genesis 19:8

89. Lots wife is turned into a pillar of salt for looking back

Lot’s wife looks back, and God turns her into a pillar of salt. Genesis 19:26

88. Lots daughters get him drunk and then have sex with him, and get impregnated by him

Lot’s daughters get him drunk and then have sex with him and get impregnated so that they will preserve the family line Genesis 19:30-38

87. Jacob wrestles with God and wins

God must not be very strong… Jacob wrestles with god and wins Genesis 32:24-30

86. The whole world came to Egypt to buy corn from Joseph

“All countries came into Egypt to Joseph for to buy corn.”
The Aztecs, the Chinese, and the Indigenous Australians all came to Joseph to buy grain. Genesis: 41:57

85. The Israelite population went from 70 to several million in a few hundred years

The Israelite population went from 70 to several million in a few hundred years. Exodus 1:5, 7, 12:3738:26

84. God has a heart to heart with Moses through a burning bush

God has a long heart-to-heart talk with Moses through a burning bush. Exodus 3:4-16

83. God shows Moses magic tricks

God tells moses to throw his rod on the ground, it then becomes a snake. Then grab the snake by the tail and it will become a rod again. Next, make your hand appear leprous, and then cure it. And finally, pour water on the ground and it will turn into blood. Exodus 4:2-9

82. God decides to kill Moses because his son wasn’t circumcised

Lucky his Egyptian wife took a sharp stone and cut off the foreskin of her son Exodus 4:24-26

81. Moses and Aaron turn the Nile river into blood

“The fish that was in the river died; and the river stank, and the Egyptians could not drink of the water of the river; and there was blood throughout all the land of Egypt” Exodus 7:17-24

80. God sends plagues so people can get to know him better

“I will send the full force of my plagues against you and against your officials and your people, so you may know that there is no one like me in all the earth” Exodus 9:14

Why does God send plagues? So that people can get to know him better.

79. The plague of Locusts are so thick that they cover the whole face of the earth

“They shall cover the face of the earth, that one cannot be able to see the earth” Exodus 10:4-5 (Even over Antarctica?)

78. God travels in a cloud by day and a fire by night

The LORD went before them by day in a pillar of a cloud, to lead them the way; and by night in a pillar of fire, to give them light; to go by day and night” Exodus 13:21

77. God divides the sea with a blast of his nostrils

That’s one powerful sneeze… Exodus 15:8

76. Moses, Aaron, and seventy of their companions see God

Moses, Aaron, and seventy of their companions saw God. (They even got a peek at his feet!) Exodus 24:9-11

75. Whoever uses God’s favorite perfume will be exiled

Don’t use God’s favorite perfume Exodus 30:37-38

74. God repents of the evil he thought of doing to his people

“And the Lord repented of the evil which he though to do unto his people.” Exodus 32:14

73. Moses doesn’t eat food or drink water for 40 days and 40 nights

“He was there with the Lord forty days and forty nights; he did neither eat bread, nor drink water” Exodus 34:28

72. 70 people became several million in less than 40 years during the Exodus

Seventy people (Genesis 46:27Exodus 1:5) became several million in less than forty years during the Exodus. Exodus 38:26

The Israelite population went from seventy (Exodus 1:5) to several million (over 600,000 adult males) in 400 years. Numbers 1:45-4626:51

71. What to do if you sin without knowing it

If you sin without knowing that you’ve done anything wrong, kill an unblemished ram for God Leviticus 5:14-15

70. Balaam talks to a Donkey and an Angel

The donkey said to Balaam, “Am I not your own donkey, which you have always ridden, to this day?” Numbers 22:28-35

69. God has the strength of a Unicorn

“God brought him forth out of Egypt; he hath as it were the strength of an unicorn: he shall eat up the nations his enemies, and shall break their bones, and pierce them through with his arrows” Numbers 24:8

68. God’s advice: “Circumcise the foreskin of your heart”

Here is some good advice from God: “Circumcise the foreskin of your heart.” Deuteronomy 10:16

67. You can’t go to church if your testicles are damaged, or if your penis has been cut off

“He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord” Deuteronomy 23:1

59. God doesn’t want to step in your shit

God gives us instructions for defecating. He says to carefully cover up all feces “for the Lord walketh in the midst of thy camp.” (You wouldn’t want the divine foot to step in your shit, would you?) Deuteronomy 23:12-14

58. God can’t defeat chariots of iron

“The Lord … could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron.”  Judges 1:19

57. Talking trees

“The trees said to the fig tree, Come thou, and reign over us” Judges 9:8-15

56. Samson catches 300 foxes, ties their tails together, and sets them on fire

Samson catches 300 foxes, ties their tails together, and sets them on fire; the Philistines burn Samson’s ex-wife and father-in-law; and Samson smites them “hip and thigh with a great slaughter.” Judges 15:4-8

55. Samson kills 1, 000 men

“The spirit of the Lord came mightily upon” Samson and “he found a new jawbone of an ass … and took it, and slew 1000 men therewith.” Judges 15:14-15

54. An abused prostitute gets gang raped by a gang of perverts, then dies, then gets cut up into twelve pieces

After taking in a traveling Levite, the host offers his virgin daughter and his guest’s concubine to a mob of perverts (who want to have sex with his guest). The mob refuses the daughter, but accepts the concubine and they “abuse her all night.” The next morning she crawls back to the doorstep and dies. The Levite puts her dead body on an ass and takes her home. Then he chops her body up into twelve pieces and sends them to each of the twelve tribes of Israel. Judges 19:22-30

“I took my concubine, and cut her in pieces, and sent her throughout all the country.” Judges 20:4-6

53. God gives bad advice leading to the deaths of 18, 000 Israelites (after 22, 000 had just been killed)

After 22,000 Israelites were killed by the Benjamites, they cry all day before the Lord. Then they ask God (again) if they should go to war against Benjamin. God said yes, so they try it again, and another 18,000 Israelites are killed. Judges 20:23-25

52. God smites the people of Ashdod with hemorrhoids “in their secret parts”

God smites the people of Ashdod with hemorrhoids “in their secret parts.” 1 Samuel 5:6-12

To see if it was God who killed the Philistine people, the ark of the Lord and the five golden hemorrhoids were put into a cart pulled by two cows. Then the cows were let go. If the cows went directly to Bethshemesh, then God killed the people. And that is the way the cows went. So by this superstitious method we know that it was God who killed the Philistines by giving them hemorrhoids “in their secret parts.” 1 Samuel 6:7-12

51. God demands five golden hemorrhoids as a “trespass offering”

After striking the Philistines with hemorrhoids “in their secret parts,” he demands that they send him five golden hemorrhoids as a “trespass offering.” 1 Samuel 6:4-5

50. Goliath was ten feet tall

Goliath was ten feet tall (“six cubits and a span”). 1 Samuel 17:4

49. David kills a lion and a bear

David caught a lion (and a bear?) “by his beard” and then killed him. 1 Samuel 17:34-35

48. God and Soloman have a long face to face talk

The LORD appeared to Solomon the second time … and the LORD said unto him….”
God and Solomon have a long face to face talk. 1 Kings 9:2-3

47. Ravens bring Elijah bread and flesh for breakfast and dinner

“The ravens brought him bread and meat in the morning and bread and meat in the evening” 1 Kings 17:6

46. Elijah shows that he is “a man of God” by burning 102 men to death

Elijah shows that he is “a man of God” by calling down fire from Heaven to burn 102 men to death. 2 Kings 1:9-12

45. Elijah is pulled into heaven by a whirlwind

“As they were walking along and talking together, suddenly a chariot of fire and horses of fire appeared and separated the two of them, and Elijah went up to heaven in a whirlwind” 2 Kings 2:11

44. God sends two bears to rip up 42 little children for making fun of Elisha’s bald head

God sends two bears to rip up 42 little children for making fun of Elisha’s bald head. 2 Kings 2:23-24

43. An “angel of the Lord” kills 185,000 men while they sleep

“That night the angel of the Lord went out and put to death a hundred and eighty-five thousand in the Assyrian camp” 2 Kings 19:35

42. The chief of David’s captains killed 300 men with his spear at one time

“Jashobeam was chief of the officers, he raised his spear against three hundred men, whom he killed in one encounter” 1 Chronicles 11:11

So did Abishai who killed 300 men with his spear. 1 Chronicles 11:20

41. Abijah spoke to 1,200,000 soldiers at one time

Abijah spoke to 1,200,000 soldiers at one time. (He had a really loud voice.) 2 Chronicles 13:3-4

40. A spirit gets permission from God to be a lying spirit in the mouths of prophets

God puts lies into the mouths of his prophets and speaks evil about people. 2 Chronicles 18:20-22

39. Ahaziah is 2 years older than his father!

Jehoram was 32 years old when he began to reign and he reigned for eight years and then died (a 40 years old). After his death, his youngest son Ahaziah began to reign at the age of 42 (2 Chronicles 22:1-2). So the son (Ahaziah) was two years older than his father! 2 Chronicles 21:202 Chronicles 22:1-2

38. God allows Satan to torment Job, just to see how he will react

God allows Satan to torment Job, just to see how he will react, and if he will curse God to his face Job 2:3-7

37. God is in hell

“If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there” Psalm 139:8

36. Even Dragon’s praise the Lord

“Praise the Lord from the earth, ye dragons” Psalm 148:7

35. Bad things only happen to bad people

“There shall no evil happen to the just: but the wicked shall be filled with mischief” Proverbs 12:21

34. An angel of God kills 185,000 men

‘The angel of the Lord went out and put to death a hundred and eighty-five thousand in the Assyrian camp. When the people got up the next morning—there were all the dead bodies!” Isaiah 37:36

33. God swears by himself

“I have sworn by myself… Before me every knee will bow… by me every tongue will swear.” Isaiah 45:23

32. God makes Ezekiel lay on his right side for 390 days, and then on his left side for another 40 days

“Lie on your left side and put the sin of the people of Israel upon yourself. You are to bear their sin for the number of days you lie on your side. I have assigned you the same number of days as the years of their sin. So for 390 days you will bear the sin of the people of Israel.

After you have finished this, lie down again, this time on your right side, and bear the sin of the people of Judah. I have assigned you 40 days, a day for each year. I will tie you up with ropes so that you cannot turn from one side to the other until you have finished the days of your siege.” Ezekiel 4:4-8

31. Jonah stays in the belly of a great fish for three days and three nights

“The Lord provided a huge fish to swallow Jonah, and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights” Jonah 1:17

30. Jonah was angry when his preaching converted a city

“But to Jonah this seemed very wrong, and he became angry” Jonah 4:1

29. Jesus forbids the taking of any kind of oath

Jesus forbids the taking of any kind of oath. Yet Christians in courtrooms throughout the United States place their right hand on the Bible swear to tell the truth. 5:34-37

I tell you, do not swear an oath at all: either by heaven, for it is God’s throne; or by the earth, for it is his footstool; or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King. And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black. All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one” Matthew 5:34-37

28. A whole city asks Jesus to leave

After Jesus kills the herd of pigs by sending devils into them, the “whole city” asks him to leave. I don’t blame them. Matthew 8:34

27. John the Baptist isn’t sure about Jesus

John the Baptist is still not sure about Jesus (he’s in prison and is soon to die). He sends his disciples to ask, “Are you the one who is to come, or should we expect someone else?” Matthew 11:2-3

26. Jesus heals a withered hand

Jesus said to the man, “Stretch out your hand.” So he stretched it out and it was completely restored, just as sound as the other. Matthew 12:10-13

25. Jesus believed that Jonah spent three days and three nights in the belly of a whale

Jesus believed in the literal truth of the fish story in Jonah. Matthew 12:40

24. What happens when a demon leaves a person’s body?

“When an impure spirit comes out of a person, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left.’ When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean and put in order. Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that person is worse than the first. That is how it will be with this wicked generation.” Matthew 12:43-45

23. Jesus fed 5000 men (plus women and children) with five loaves and two fishes

Jesus fed 5000 men (plus women and children) with five loaves and two fishes (with 12 baskets left over) Matthew 14:17-21

22. Jesus walks on water

Jesus and Peter walk on water Matthew 14:25-31

21. Jesus went up on a mountain and healed “a great multitude” of lame, blind, dumb, and maimed people

Jesus went up on a mountain and heals the lame, the blind, the crippled, the mute and many others Matthew 15:29-30

20. Jesus calls Peter “Satan”!

Jesus turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan!” Matthew 16:23

19. Jesus says you can move mountains

“Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20

18. Jesus recommends cutting off body parts if they cause you to sin

“If your hand or your foot causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into eternal fire. And if your eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell” Matthew 18:8-9

17. Rich people don’t go to heaven

“It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God ” Matthew 19:23-24

16. Jesus tells his disciples to eat his body and drink his blood

“Jesus said to them, “Very truly I tell you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day. For my flesh is real food and my blood is real drink. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood remains in me, and I in them.” John 6:53-56

15. The devil takes Jesus to the top of a mountain and shows him “all the kingdoms of the world.”

The devil takes Jesus to the top of a mountain and shows him “all the kingdoms of the world.” I guess the world was flat in those days. Luke 4:5

14. God swears by himself to himself

“When God made his promise to Abraham, since there was no one greater for him to swear by, he swore by himself” Hebrews 6:13

13. Jesus says the abilities of believers include: 1) driving out demons 2) speak in tongues 3) picking up snakes 4) drinking deadly poison without harm 5) curing the sick by touching them

These signs will accompany those who believe:

  • In my name they will drive out demons
  • They will speak in new tongues
  • They will pick up snakes with their hands
  • When they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all
  • They will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well Mark 16:17-18

12. Those who believe in Jesus will be able to perform even greater miracles than he did!

“Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these” John 14:12

11. Jesus turns water into wine

Jesus’ first miracle was to turn water into wine. John 2:9

10. Jesus speaks in parables so that people won’t understand him

“The knowledge of the secrets of the kingdom of God has been given to you, but to others I speak in parables, so that,

“Though seeing, they may not see; though hearing, they may not understand” Luke 8:10

9. Jesus disciples didn’t recognize him after the resurrection

Did Jesus look like someone else? Did someone else claim to be the risen Jesus? How did Jesus disciples not recognize him? Luke 24:13-35

8. Peters shadow had miraculous healing powers

The sick were healed just by touching the shadow of Peter. Acts 5:15-16

7. A possessed person speaks to Jewish exorcists before beating them up and leaving them naked and bleeding

“Jesus I know, and Paul I know about, but who are you?” Then the man who had the evil spirit jumped on them and overpowered them all. He gave them such a beating that they ran out of the house naked and bleeding.” Acts 19:13-16

6. If a man has long hair, it is a shame unto him (sorry Rationality Rules)

“Does not the very nature of things teach you that if a man has long hair, it is a disgrace to him” 1 Corinthians 11:14

5. People got out of their graves and walked around after Jesus rose from the dead

When Jesus died, “the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints” arose. Matthew 27:53-54

4. Jesus went to hell

“His soul was not left in hell” Acts 2:31

3. Michael the Archangel argued with the devil about the body of Moses

Michael the Archangel argued with the devil about the body of Moses. Jude 9

2. Believers shall judge angels after they die

“Do you not know that we will judge angels? How much more the things of this life!” 1 Corinthians 6:3

1. 144,000 Jews will be going to heaven, everyone else is going to hell

Revelation 7, Revelation 14

There are hundreds more absurdities contained in the Bible, this article is just a small fraction…

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